As a pastor, I am asked a lot of questions. For folks who’ve been in church for a while, the questions are typically regarding finer points of theology. But, for those who are just now stepping into their faith, their questions tend to center around they grey areas that the Bible doesn’t explicitly speak to. Typically, they phrase it as something like, “Pastor Riley, is ________ a sin??”
One of those questions that has been brought up to me over and over again deals with cohabitation, where members of the opposite sex live together in the same house. It might be dealing with roommates sharing an apartment, or a couple who are committed to “try before you buy.” Either way, we have to face this reality: cohabitation is no longer taboo in our culture. If I were to put you in a time machine and take you to the 1950’s, you would find that 78% of all households were married couples (NY Times). That’s not the case anymore. Bloomberg reported in 2013, “Three of four women in the U.S. have lived with a partner without being married by the age of 30.”
So, what does the Bible say? What are people who are serious about following Jesus supposed to do about it? How are we supposed to live?
In an attempt to answer this question, I suspect that I’m about to ruffle a few feathers…
Cohabitating (living together before you’re married)… is NOT a sin.
Now, before all of the millennials start jumping for joy, and all of the “old-school” thinkers have a heart attack…
Cohabitating (living together before you’re married)… is NOT wise, and should be avoided.
Here are three reasons why Christians should not cohabitate:
1) Sexual immorality is a sin.
If we’re honest, the “try before you buy” culture is a big reason that couples cohabitate. According to the Guttmacher Institute, 97% of cohabitating women are sexually active.[1] Scripture is clear in multiple places that sexual activity outside of a marital union of one man and one woman is sin (see Hebrews 13:4; 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5; 1 Corinthians 7:2, 8-9). The word that’s used most often in the greek language for “sexual immorality” is the word porneia which is a 1st century catch all word that includes any form of sexual activity outside of a covenanted marriage relationship. No matter who you are, where you’re from, or what you think about it, the Scripture is clear that sexual activity outside of marriage is wrong. Every single time.
2) Living together assumes sexual activity.
If Guttmacher’s researchers are right, 97% of cohabitating couples ARE committing sin by being sexually active. Here’s the struggle: while the other 3% are not sexually active, the wide assumption is that they are. After all, according to the research, that’s a safe assumption. When someone identifies as a cohabiting couple, there’s no way to tell whether they’re a 3-percenter, or not. Which leads to a big problem. Every single action we take as a Christian will bring honor to Jesus, or bring disgrace to his name. 1 Thessalonians 5:22 tells us to “reject/abstain from any form of evil.” That means that we run as far away from it as we possibly can. Far too many Christians are comfortable with doing a balancing act on the edge of a cliff, while God’s best for us (which is also the most blessed) is to be safe with Him squarely on the path of righteousness. Psalm 23:3 says that “He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.” Sure, there is freedom to live with someone of the opposite sex. There is no clear passage in the Bible that forbids it. The question that you have to ask is this: Am I displaying an accurate picture of who Jesus is to my friends and neighbors by cohabiting with my boyfriend/girlfriend, especially if they assume the worst.
Note: If you just said, “Well, I can’t control what people think of me – that’s their problem, not mine.” Brother, sister…that reeks of pride. It stinks in the nostrils of God and His people. Actually, it is your problem. You are called to be above reproach.
3) Living together is playing with fire.
Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 7:9, “But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” In reality, humans are sexual beings. We’re wired to crave physical intimacy. If you’re one of the naïve people who think “I can live together with my significant other and stay sexually pure,” I hate to tell you this, but you’re playing with fire. Fires are awesome. They serve a purpose. They bring warmth. They bring beauty. But they’re supposed to be contained in a fireplace or stove. The minute the fire gets out of its boundaries it reeks chaos and destruction. The rule of thumb is “if you play with fire, you will get burned.” Proverbs 6:27-29 says, “Can a man carry fire next to his chest and his clothes not be burned? Or can one walk on hot coals and his feet not be scorched? So is he who goes in to his neighbor's wife; none who touches her will go unpunished.” Last time I checked if you’re not married, that other person is not your wife or your husband. That proverb applies here.
There are a lot of reasons why people choose to cohabitate. Let me say it again – the sheer act of living with someone of the opposite sex who is not your spouse is NOT a sin… But it is NOT wise, and it should be avoided. If you’re in a relationship that doesn’t honor God, turn the corner and begin living in a way that He would be proud of. Pursue marriage. Make a commitment to abstain from sex. Don’t let finances get in the way of God’s best for you (note: If you’re local, I will perform a wedding ceremony for free! You can have the big celebration/ceremony later on).
Final Thoughts:
I know that this might sound a bit legalistic to some people – like I am trying to throw unnecessary laws onto the lives of people. I also know that it might sound liberal to others – like I’m not going far enough and the rules should apply. My hope in writing this is to give a balanced, biblical answer to that question. I do not want to shame you or drive you away from faith, or from church, or from relationship with Christ. What I do want to do is to help you think through things in your life that might be blocking you from God’s richest blessings. I want to be around people who are walking in victory and who are undoubtedly under the blessing of God! As you wrestle with this, I pray that the Lord would bless you as you obey Him.
[1] https://www.guttmacher.org/journals/psrh/2008/sexual-behavior-single-adult-american-women
